100 posts! Random tables!

Well, I seem to have made 100 posts now. That’s like 1 post every 3 days since I started. That’s pretty decent. Anyways, this, according to internet tradition, requires some kind of special post. So I went and made 10 different d10 tables for a total of 100 entries. There’s one for villains, allies, magical phenomena, loot, and more weirdness.

1: Twisted Villains, With a Twist

  1. A powerful necromancer! That’s actually two half-size, half-power necromancers in a big coat. They are searching for a Zombie Growth spell, for personal use.
  2. A black knight! Actually he’s just charred. Endlessly on a brutal path of pillaging, looking for a salve to ease his poor, chafed skin under that scorched armor.
  3. A dashing rogue! Under a curse that forces an endless sprint. Stealing magic items while passing by, hoping to find a scroll of Remove Curse.
  4. A relentless tyrant! It’s actually a skillfully made golem body double, half-heartedly repressing the population while the real ruler is on vacation… forever.
  5. A hulking ogre! Sadly, it’s only 4 meters tall meaning it’s just a baby. That explains the poor coordination, lack of speech, and all too common tantrums.
  6. An over-regenerating mass. The more damage it takes the quicker it recovers… and grows. It only weakens when it’s not damaged. Probably a mutant troll?
  7. A terrible Mathemancer! Has the power to bend numbers in strange ways, like your ability scores, damage dice, and to-hit rolls. That’s terrifying.
  8. A cold-blooded assassin! Under an oath disallowing killing that he’s too proud to break, he beats his victims to 1 HP and then tries to get something else to finish the job.
  9. An infinite bureaucracy! Not actually malicious by nature, it ruins people’s lives by mistake as its million of gray workers perform predetermined actions.
  10. Your accomplice! This is all a complicated plot set up before using a memory-loss potion! What was the original intentions? You don’t remember!

2: Unlikely or Unliked Allies

  1. Sixteen dogs. They aren’t really any smarter than normal dogs, but friendly and coordinated. They bark in different pitches.
  2. A preaching old man. Every time any of you gets hurt he complains and lectures you on the dangers of whatever you are doing… and then he casts cure light wounds.
  3. Several red goblins. They are disdainful of regular goblins’ filthy ways, and wear the finest fashion. They are constantly fixing up the party’s looks and gear.
  4. A fragile berserker. Always charging into battle, and has like 4 HP. Accurate and powerful attacks, decent defense, but mostly goes down in one actual hit.
  5. A powerful wizard. Can cast a single spell (“Rotcurtsed’s Ridiculous Explosion“) once per day, which more or less leaves them helpless until they sleep a couple of hours.
  6. A clone of  a character… only completely incompetent.
  7. A convoy of urchins, hobos, and stray dogs. They do their best to be helpful.
  8. Silly fairies. They have no way to differentiate reality and jokes, and are sometimes really scary when they think someone dying is just jesting…
  9. A trio of dancing skeletons. Despite their undeath they are rather cheerful, and they are not useless in a fight either (though they might raise eyebrows).
  10. A coughing witch. Like, only stops coughing for long enough for a breath or short remark. She makes really tasty pies, which are her replacement for potions.

3: What is the Merchant Selling

  1. Mass-produced polearms. They are cheap and of questionable quality, with an assortment of edges, spikes, hooks, and ear-spoons.
  2. Kegs of cheap healing potion… only its only 1/3 healing potion. The rest is a mixture of vodka, alchemical waste, and apple juice. Gets you both drunk and healed.
  3. Ten thousand arrows, pushed into a quiver of holding meant for, at most, 500 arrows. Any attempt to open it will spray arrows absolutely everywhere.
  4. A golden bell, that attracts basilisks when it chimes.
  5. Poisoned caltrops, in bags of 20.
  6. Live salamander babies. They are yet cold enough to be handled with thick gloves, but a they get older they get both larger and hotter.
  7. Horses. A few are really great, but some are painted donkeys or, in one case, two people in a horse-suit. There’s also a horse with five legs.
  8. Spray-on armor. Takes a round to apply, and only lasts for one combat, but counts as mail while it works. It’s sticky and blackish.
  9. Maps of and to different dungeons… of questionable precision.
  10. A demon sealed in a… cheese? “Whomever eateth the cheese cursed, shalt attain great power and eternal damnation”. It smells like old socks.

4: Peculiar Phenomena

When something weird happens.

  1. Reverse rain: water droplets fall upwards towards the sky.
  2. A tower sprouts through the ground, rapidly rising over 100 meters. What’s inside?
  3. A flock of birds swoops down, stealing every piece of jewelry they can reach.
  4. All cloth in the area spontaneously turns to wet seaweed.
  5. Rainclouds rush in, and wine begins falling from the sky.
  6. Everyone’s eye color changes to a new one, permanently.
  7. Flowers sprout under the feet of anyone believing themselves morally pure.
  8. All silver items split into two half-size items identical to the original.
  9. Every edge and point is dulled to complete bluntness. (Fairies stole the sharpness).
  10. After a moment of blacking out, everyone gets the effect of a night’s good rest.

5: What’s the villains secret weakness?

  1. Being washed in clean water takes away their filthy power.
  2. They are extremely allergic to peanuts.
  3. A total masochist, lives for the thrill of being beaten by adventurers.
  4. Actually has no clue to what’s going on.
  5. Is made of folded paper. Very light and flammable.
  6. Is not actually interested in this villain thing, but it’s a profitable contract.
  7. Has no interest in actually defeating heroes, preffering to study them like lab rats.
  8. Has several repressed personalities that all fight each other.
  9. Scared of the dark.
  10. Believes oneself to be immortal.

 

6: Deus Ex Machinas

When you need to railroad the plot, these things can turn a situation around.

  1. A rogue demigod shows up, being very bored.
  2. The goblin’s attack!!! …each other? A goblin civil war erupts in the area.
  3. A black knight comes for vengeance.
  4. Eagles.
  5. A procession of elves bound by ancient and very complicated laws arrive.
  6. The sun is blotted out by a ambush-eclipse.
  7. Lightning strikes twice.
  8. The dead awaken, dancing. It’s time for the Danse Macabre. You better dance too…
  9. The hand of god strikes down… perhaps swatting someone like a fly.
  10. Boring, natural disaster. Earthquake, avalanche…

7: Deadly Traps

Of an unusual variety.

  1. Fires a small needle coated in very strong alcohol. Very strong.
  2. There’s a corridor coated in honey. The giant killer bees don’t like people walking in their honey, and will take measures against (stabbing) those smelling of honey.
  3. A mixture of quick-drying glue and live snakes fall from the ceiling.
  4. A demon summoning circle covers the room, only awaiting blood sacrifice. Oh, and there’s naked and suicidal cultists running at you when you’re in the circle.
  5. The floor is covered with gundpowder-like dust. If you move to vigorously the dust will get thrown up into the air as powder clouds, and probably ignited by torches.
  6. The corridor is actually the bowels of a very large and rocky creature.
  7. There are a million thin and frail candles in the room. If one moves too quickly they will start to go out due to the wind. They are all that kept the ever-growing ice away.
  8. A blood-spattered door blocks the way. It’s covered with scratches and dents, and someone has written “Beware the trap” on hit. Despite all the suspicious holes and cracks nearby, there’s no actual trap… or is it?!
  9. Harpoons shoot out of the walls and snags people… And then the water starts rising.
  10. Strong alcohol sprays out as a mist in the room, which might get people real wasted.

8: Complicated Treasure

When just gold is too boring.

  1. Heap of gold coins, which are actually chocolate money wrapped in gold leaf.
  2. Apparently magnificent magic weapon is actually a big and very fancy key.
  3. Magic armor is actually intricate torture device.
  4. Pile of gems are actually eggs from crystal lizards. They are harmless while young.
  5. Counterfeit coins. Though of the correct metals, they carry the wrong stamps.
  6. A thin sheet of hammered and engraved gold. It’s large, clumsy, and valuable.
  7. A large array of silver chimes. They are unproportionally loud when moved.
  8. It’s a treasure golem, made by the stupidly rich to impress their peers.
  9. It’s a magic item made by IKEA. You have to follow the instructions (which are in Swedish) to put the parts together. The item is great though!
  10. It’s a magical treasure map! Only it’s in the shape of a 6000-piece jigsaw puzzle.

9: What’s wrong with this zombie?

Seriously, what was the necromancer thinking?

  1. It has far too many arms. Like arms everywhere, and most of them holds some kind of sharp implement. If it can actually use them, no one knows.
  2. It’s a giant zombie. With an ogre zombie inside. And then a human one. A finally a halfling zombie. It’s a Russian doll-zombie.
  3. It’s filled with gas, and inflated. If it breathes in and jumps, it will float upwards with a near-zero effective weight. It’s highly flammable and explosive.
  4. It’s a blade storage zombie. Every bone has been replaced with weapons, and convenient openings exist to remove them (though the zombie might go slack).
  5. It’s super-intelligent. Every bit of tissue inside the skin has been replaced with brain. It probably has some weird psychic powers, but is very squishy.
  6. It’s actually filled with tiny and parasitic Rust Monsters. RIP weapons.
  7. Its belly is proofed and filled with some kind of potion or wine. A tap extends through the belly button, allowing one to sample the liquid… be careful not to make it leak.
  8. It’s not actually a zombie. It’s an infiltrator sent to get the necromancer.
  9. A paladin zombie. Still under the necromancer’s control, it can’t help but to loathe what it has become… and using holy magic which deteriorates its condition.
  10. It’s the necromancer’s pet. Completely useless in a fight, but it’s a masterpiece in necromantic ability: perfectly sewn, embalmed in three ways, and of good materials.

10: What’s actually going on here?

Wut :0 (like the insane child of Peculiar Phenomena and Deus Ex Machina)

  1. One random character is actually another random characters parent!
  2. The king is actually a lizard in disguise!
  3. You had been carrying the key to the villains plan all along!
  4. It was all a dream! You wake up in the same situation, only it’s worse.
  5. An important person spontaneously combusts.
  6. Everyone is pregnant with demon babies, especially the men.
  7. A portal to hell opens… under everyone’s feet.
  8. The champions of chaos and law arrive, ordering everyone to take sides.
  9. You’re all each other. Randomly toss everyone’s minds around.
  10. The oldest and most worthless item the party has is actually an artifact.

 

Yeah… hopefully some of these are either vaguely useable or smirk-worthy. Heh. But 100 posts is something. I’m not sure how much is quality, but perhaps I could improve whatever percentage that is for 200 posts! But that’s a while away still.

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